How do I tell my husband he isn't good in bed?

Back in Hungary we had a joke about a newly wed aristocratic couple. It is the first night together for the aristocratic honeymooners. The couple go to bed. The man turns his back to his wife and tries to go to sleep. The woman says softly: "Aristid! I am cold." The man gets up and puts another blanket on her, then goes back to sleep. The woman says: "Aristed! I do have a hole as one of my parts!." Aristid responds: "See, that is where the cold air is getting in to you!" The woman gets impatient and tells her new husband: "Aristed, get out to the barn, watch the horses, and do not come back before you learned what they do!"  Aristid goes out obediently, and comes back 2 weeks later. Wife:"Did you finally learn what the horses do?" Aristid: "I even practiced before I came back. I can't do everything yet. I can S..t while galloping , but I can't chase the flies away with my tail yet."

Does this give you hope?


1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat
by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: just cut yourself and
bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will
prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives,
then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you
will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of
life really are:

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends, you never
know when you might need them to empty your bedpan .


Trump snuffs, and arrives at the Pearly Gates.

They issue him with a Redirect Notice, and he is sent to the not-so-pearly ones.

The Devil looks at his clipboard irritably.


"Look, I've got a problem," he growls. "You're due here about now, but I'm full. I'll have to ID one of the temporary inmates, whose sentence is just about up, and give them an early release to make room for you. Follow me."

He leads Trump to a door marked Chamber 1.

The door grinds open.

There is an Olympic size pool. Thrashing around in the pool is Richard Nixon.

Nixon dives, tries to retrieve an underwater object, misses, comes up empty handed. He must do this for years and years before is sentence is served and he can go Up There.

"I can't swim!" protests Trump.

With a grunt, The Devil leads DT to Chamber 2.


The door to Chamber 2 creaks open.

In Chamber 2 is a quarry. The sun beats down. And in the quarry is a lone figure, in the person of Jimmy Carter.

Carter is breaking rocks with a sledgehammer. Sweat pours off him as dust and grime adhere to his sweaty skin.

Trump shakes his head. "Not with my arthritis," he says, motioning toward his shoulder.

Shaking his head in disgust, the Devil leads Trump to Chamber 3.

And before proceeding please reaffirm you are of age and eligible to read on.

The door to Chamber 3 swings open.

In Chamber 3 Trump sees a door on the right and another on the left.

In the middle of the chamber Bill Clinton is handcuffed to a bed.

The door on the right opens.

And who enters Chamber 3 from this doorway on the right?

None other than…

Trump has to pinch himself to believe what happens next.

Ms Lewinsky offers Clinton a sultry look.

Slips off her gown… and she is wearing nothing underneath.

She lowers herself onto Clinton…

And proceeds to do what Monica Lewinsky became (in)famous for.

Trump shifts uncomfortably.

"Shouldn't we leave 'em alone?" he asks.

The Devil reminds Trump where they are.

The show goes on.

Clinton's face takes on a blissful look.

Ms Lewinsky's head jerks back abruptly.

With a grimace of utter disgust on her countenance she swallows hard.

Wipes her mouth with her forearm.

Stands up.

Puts her gown back on.

Composes herself.

Blows Clinton a kiss and a wink.

And exits through the door on the left.

"That's it?" asks Trump.

"Stay put," growls the Devil.

From behind the chamber there is the sound of a shower running, then someone vigorously brushing their teeth and gargling.

A minute later the door on the right opens again.

There stands a freshly showered Monica Lewinsky.

She once again drops her gown…

And the process repeats.

Lewinsky goes back to the shower, scrubs, gargles and reappears.

She reappears at the door on the right, and the process repeats before she exits through the doorway on the left.

And the process repeats.

It repeats again

And yet again.

The process repeats, and repeats, and repeats.

"Well?" barks the Devil at Trump.

"Hey, Chamber 3," answers Trump unhesitatingly.

"Are you sure?" demands the Devil.

"Never been more sure," beams Trump.

In Admin, the Devil opens a drawer and produces a contract.

He pricks Trump's finger.

A bead of blood forms.

"Sign here," demands the Devil.

Trump complies.

"And here, here and here."

Trump signs.

The Devil stamps the documents, binds them and puts them into a folder, which he seals and drops into a filing cabinet drawer.

"Follow me," orders the Devil.

They return to Chamber Three.

Clinton lies on the bed, waiting in anticipation for the next performance.

"Miss Lewinsky!" barks the Devil.

His voice is drowned out by the noise of the shower.


"Miss L-E-W-I-N-S-K-Y-Y-Y!" roars the Devil.

"Coming, coming!" comes a plaintive whine from the shower.

A minute later Monica Lewinsky enters the chamber through the doorway on the right. She is dressed in the gown, and is freshly showered and groomed.

However she looks flustered at being rushed.

"What's the big hurry all of a sudden?" she complains.

"You're being released," says the Devil. "Your replacement has arrived."

Trump's balls and the little old lady….

Years from now Trump is out of office and, being a brilliant entrepreneur and a stable genius, decides to open a bank. In the corner of his new enterprise he installs a gold plated office with a large window through which he can watch the goings-on of his bank minions.

One fine day a little old lady comes in dragging a huge shopping bag full of cash, all large denomination bills. Getting to the teller window she announces she'd like to open account at Trump Bank, but that first she'd need to briefly speak to Mr. Trump.

"Well, Mr. Trump is a busy man, m'am", the teller replies.

"Do you not see how much money I want to deposit here??? Do you want to be the one to tell Trump I went away and deposited it elsewhere???", the little old lady asks.

Fearing Trump's reaction, the teller disappears into the bank and returns after a while: "Mr. Trump will see you, but only for five minutes.", the teller reports.

The little old lady then proceeds to drag her bag of cash back into Trump's office.

"How did you come to have so much cash?", Trump asks .

"Well, I make bets.", the little old lady replies.

"What kind of bets?", the now curious Trump asks.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you $10,000 that your testicles are square.", the little old lady says.

"What?…Are you serious?" Trump asks. "Dead serious.", the little old lady replies.

Trump, thinking he can make a quick buck from a little old lady who's lost her mind, takes the bet.

"There's only one caveat…" the little old ladys says…. "and that is that I need verification, so I've arranged for your ex-vice president Mr. Pence to come in with me tomorrow morning at 9:30 AM as an impartial observer."

"Fine with me!" Trump says… "Pence is one of my largest investors!"

That night Trump goes home and examines his testicles from every angle to see if there's some way they could be construed as being square…"No way!" Trump exclaims to himself. "Easy money!"

The next morning the little old lady shows up with Pence who stands outside Trump's office and peers in intently through the window. Trump proceeds to drop his pants for the verification and the little old lady cups his package in her hands turning it this way and that, all the time glancing over at Pence.

Suddenly Pence outside the office starts screaming and beating his head against the office window….

"What's wrong with Pence????" Trump inquires to the old lady.

"Well it might have something to do with the fact that yesterday I bet him $250,000 that I'd have your balls in the palm of my hand by 10:00 this morning!!!!!"

(I adapted this from an old Irish joke :)